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We regularly plan for joyous occasions and exciting milestones – birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, and holidays. However, we often avoid the difficult conversations about planning for death and funerals. Especially planning a parent’s funeral. Preparing for the inevitable is not an act of morbidity but a caring and responsible gesture toward loved ones. It takes the stress off the bereaved and ensures the deceased’s wishes are carried out.
As our parents age, it is increasingly important to have an honest discussion about end-of-life planning. These conversations are often uncomfortable and emotional, but knowing your parents’ wishes ensures they are respected when the time comes.
Having this discussion early can provide peace of mind and ensure your parents’ wishes are honored. Below are some tips on how to approach this conversation with sensitivity and care as well as practical strategies to help navigate the process.
It’s not unusual for parents to feel hesitant or even resistant when discussing their end-of-life plans. Some find the topic uncomfortable, while others might believe that discussing it will make it feel more imminent. And adult children often avoid the subject themselves because they feel uncomfortable with it and fear it may upset their parents, complicating the issue. Understanding why your parents are avoiding the conversation can help you overcome these barriers.
Common reasons for hesitation include:
The key to working through these hesitations is patience and understanding. If your parents are not open to the conversation initially, try not to pressure them. Instead, gently revisit the topic over time, using subtle reminders about the importance of planning ahead.
Starting the conversation early lets your parents make decisions with clarity and confidence. As they age, the chances of a health crisis occurring increase, creating stress and uncertainty, an emotional state that is not ideal for making thoughtful choices. When you discuss interment and funeral planning in advance, you can ensure that your parents’ desires are fully understood and respected.
Benefits of early planning include:
The best benefit is peace of mind for everyone, knowing that all the arrangements are settled.
Getting the timing and setting right is critical. Choose a moment when your parents or family are relaxed and a setting with minimal distractions. Whether it’s a peaceful walk in the park or a quiet evening at home, find a place where everyone feels comfortable and relaxed.
When approaching this conversation, being thoughtful, compassionate, and patient makes it easier. Keep the conversation practical and neutral, and encourage your parents to speak freely about their concerns, no matter what they are. They may feel that it is too soon or worry about whether they can change their mind. Talking about dying and death is a complex topic for everyone, so listen to them with empathy and understanding. Avoid forcing your loved one into a discussion about their death if they are not ready.
When considering how to discuss final wishes with your parents, try these strategies:
Ask open-ended questions like, “Have you thought about how you’d like to be remembered?” or “Would you like to be interred in a private mausoleum or a communal one?”
During the conversation, listen without judgment to your parents’ preferences and opinions. You may find out they disagree about some arrangements, e.g., cremation vs internment. If this is the case, gently step in to diffuse the situation if it becomes heated.
Discussing specific interment preferences can be challenging, especially if they are unsure about their options. Here are some ways to navigate these conversations:
Talk about funerals you’ve gone to together – shared experiences are a great starting point. Highlight what you liked about them and ask your parents how they envision their memorial services. It’s a great way to open up a more natural conversation about their preferences and wishes. If the conversation goes well, it’s an ideal time to introduce the idea of pre-planning their funeral and touch on the benefits.
If your parents seem overwhelmed, break the conversation into smaller discussions rather than covering everything at once.
It’s natural to shy away from emotionally complex topics, but this conversation is too meaningful to put off. Gently but firmly guide the discussion, emphasizing the importance of having plans in place. Your persistence now will alleviate stress and confusion in the future.
Sometimes, bringing in a neutral third party can help guide the discussion. Professionals such as funeral directors, estate planners, or interment specialists can provide:
There are many financial benefits to planning a parent’s funeral, but did you know there are also emotional benefits? The death of a parent is inherently emotional. Families can help parents see that planning ahead is a loving and practical choice by discussing these emotional benefits. Many families find that having plans in place reduces anxiety and strengthens family bonds.
Reduces Stress
After the death of a parent, the surviving family members are responsible for contacting a funeral home and making arrangements. Without pre-planning, they end up making major decisions in a very short time. In addition, they will have to find the funds to cover the cost, and most families are unprepared to take on the unexpected financial responsibility. Removing this responsibility reduces stress on the entire family before and after death.
Removes Doubt and Uncertainty
Imagine making an important decision without consulting the person it affects directly. It’s hard, and there’s a lot of uncertainty. That’s how it feels when a parent doesn’t leave instructions about their funeral. When faced with planning a parent’s memorial, surviving family members often feel unsure about the decisions they make. Would their parent prefer cremation or above-ground internment? Should we have a viewing? By putting instructions in writing, parents can remove doubt and uncertainty so that families are comforted by knowing they’ve made the right decisions.
Prevents Hurt Feelings
When everyone is stressed and no one really knows what to do, tempers flare over even the most minor decisions. Simmering arguments can come to a boil. When funeral plans are not clear, family members often disagree about how to proceed. With so many questions to answer, there’s plenty of room for arguments that lead to hurt feelings. With funeral planning, you’ll know what your parents want.
Provides a Sense of Stability
When a loved one passes, everything is upended and feels out of sync or out of control. But when there’s a clear plan in place, families feel a sense of stability and control. The advance funeral plan becomes a roadmap amid the whirlwind of questions and decisions. The first few days of loss are the hardest, and a sense of stability calms fears and soothes emotions.
Brings Peace of Mind
And, importantly, funeral planning brings peace of mind. Adult children can rest easy when they know all the decisions have been made. The music, flowers, and venue have been chosen. All they have to do when the time comes is to organize a date and time. Parents can rest easy knowing they’ve done everything they could to care for their family and make what is going to be a difficult time a little easier.
According to a survey by the Pew Research Center, 54 percent of Americans in their 40s are a part of the sandwich generation. They care for their dependent children and a parent 65 years or older. And one in five Americans are caregivers to a disabled or elderly parent.
Pre-planning interment and funeral services can ease the emotional and financial strain on family members. Without clear plans in place, loved ones may struggle with last-minute decisions and unexpected financial obligations during a time of grief. By making these arrangements in advance, parents can:
Leading by example is one of the best ways to encourage parents to plan ahead. Consider starting your own pre-planning process and sharing your experience with them. As you do this, ask for their advice on your choices. This conversation can naturally transition into a discussion about their preferences. If they ask while you are pre-planning, you can emphasize that about expecting the worst, but about making thoughtful decisions about the future that will ease the burden of your loved ones. Bring up the option of a heritage program for the family.
Talking to parents about planning ahead is a challenging but necessary conversation. These delicate conversations go better when approached with empathy, patience, and practical information, ensuring families can honor their loved ones’ wishes. Early discussions, professional guidance, and clear communication can make this process easier, giving everyone peace of mind for the future. Encouraging your parents to take these steps respects their wishes and helps the family navigate a difficult time with greater clarity and less stress.
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