Common Questions about Funeral Etiquette
In addition to the funeral etiquette basics, people still have common questions about how to behave in a funeral service. These questions are about where to sit, what to expect from a funeral service, things the family might be expecting from you, and so on.
Table of Contents:
What Are the Best Things to Say at a Funeral?
Should You Give Money at a Funeral?
How Much Money Should I Donate?
Should I Bring a Gift?
Should I Send Flowers? When?
Am I Expected to Talk? What Should I Say?
What’s the Difference between a Wake, a Memorial Service, Viewings, and a Funeral?
Should I Go to the Wake or the Funeral?
What to Do at a Graveside Service?
Should I Wear Black?
Should I Cover My Head?
Who Travels with the Funeral Procession?
What’s the Journey of the Procession?
Do People Go Into the Church or Crematorium Before or After the Coffin?
Where Should I Sit?
What Usually Happens After the Funeral?
Do I Need to Sign the Guest Book?
What Are the Best Things to Say at a Funeral?
It is important to know that you should not feel pressured to say more than “I’m sorry for your loss.” In reality, less is more; the family is happier to feel your support by your presence than by anything you might say.
Should You Give Money at a Funeral?
On occasions, if the family can use the money to pay for some of the funeral costs, people would bring money in a card. Usually, people will give around $50 to $100 in a card and wait until after the funeral or at the memorial service to give the card to the grieving family.
Read more: Who is responsible for paying for the funeral?
How Much Money Should I Donate?
When the family or the deceased requests donations in lieu of flowers, you should do your best to honor that request. Consider donating at least what you would have spent sending flowers. You may also want to include a note of your donation and send it to the family for reference.
Should I Bring a Gift?
Even today, bringing or sending a gift to a funeral is still considered appropriate. Gifting sympathy flowers is an easy and thoughtful way to express your condolences to the family. Other funeral gift ideas include sending the family a sympathy gift basket, offer to help at the house or with the children, send in some cleaning help after the service, and so on.
Read more: Do I bring a gift to a funeral service? 7 Thoughtful gifts for a widow and her family.
Should I Send Flowers? When?
Sending flowers is a thoughtful sign of respect and provides comfort for the mourning family. Ideally, you want to deliver them to the funeral home before the funeral or the day of the funeral service. If not, sending them to the home of the family of the deceased is also appropriate. There is no right timeline to when sending sympathy flowers; it is never too early or too late, the family will always appreciate them.
Read more: Is sending flowers still appropriate for a funeral?
Am I Expected to Talk? What Should I Say?
On occasions, the family will ask some close friends and other family members to participate in the funeral ceremony. It is important that you understand you are not obligated to participate, and declining to speak at a funeral will not be disrespectful. If you decide to speak at the funeral, remember this will be a very emotional moment, it might be difficult to stay focused and composed. Usually, family members and friends that participate tell stories of the deceased, share memories of their life, and might share a few verses of their favorite books or prayers as well.
Read more: Who can speak at a funeral? How to choose speakers at a funeral?
What’s the Difference between a Wake, a Memorial Service, Viewings, and a Funeral?
Most people assume any gathering to celebrate the life of a deceased loved one is a funeral. In reality, there are striking differences to each one of these. This is what each one of them means:
Memorial Service: A service to memorialize the deceased person. In this instance the body is not present, and it is usually done if a person has been cremated or after the burial ceremony.
Funeral Service: Also service to memorialize a deceased person. However, in this case, the body is present, and it usually involves an actual burial after.
Wakes: A service to memorialize the deceased person traditional of the Catholic faith. In this instance the body is present, and the family stays with the body all night. They often take place before the funeral.
Viewings: A gathering of friends and family to pay respect to the deceased. The body of the deceased is often present, and it happens before the funeral.
Should I Go to the Wake or the Funeral?
Some people think they can choose to attend one of the ceremonies. For example, a wake tends to be more public since they are often held at a church, while funerals are a more private affair. In the end, it is up to you to decide if you want to only to attend the wake to show your support to the family and pay your respects. However, if you are not comfortable with the religious aspect of a wake, you can attend the funeral after.
What to Do at a Graveside Service?
A graveside funeral service can be intimidating. Do your best to avoid walking directly on other graves and plaques. If there are chairs available, these are usually reserved for the close family of the deceased. If this does not apply to you, reserve to stand behind the chairs and allow room for others to be able to get near the grave.
Should I Wear Black?
Nowadays, it is very rare to see someone wearing only black for a funeral. However, when in doubt dark colors such as black are always proper funeral etiquette. In general, the only colors that are not expected at a traditional funeral are bright colors such as yellows and greens.
Should I Cover My Head?
Some religions expect you to cover your head. In preparation, ask the funeral director for advice, or reach out to the family for verification. In the case that you do have to cover your head, you can wear a hat, for example.
Read more: What to wear to a Hindu funeral? Attending a Jewish funeral for the first time? Attending a Catholic funeral for the first time?
Who Travels with the Funeral Procession?
Generally speaking, the family decides who travels in the funeral procession car. Anyone else can follow the procession in their vehicles or choose to meet the procession where the funeral service will be held. Always check with the family or the funeral director to see if the family would like you to join them in the funeral car.
What’s the Journey of the Procession?
Traditionally, the procession left from the home of the person who passed away. However, the procession can leave from the home of another family member or a close relative. The family may decide to leave from the address where people will return later for a reception or memorial service. It is best to check with the funeral director or the family to know where the funeral procession will start and end.
Do People Go Into the Church or Crematorium Before or After the Coffin?
It depends on the traditions of the family and the location they chose for the funeral service. For example, in most churches mourners arrive earlier and are seated before the service stars. At a crematorium, for example, it is usual to enter after the family of the deceased, sometimes referenced as the chief mourners. If you are ever confused as to what to do, ask the funeral director or wait for the immediate family’s action and follow appropriately.
Where Should I Sit?
When there are no seating arrangements made by the grieving family, it might be intimidating for guests to know where to sit. The immediate family and close friends generally sit at the front. Ideally, you would want to sit in the middle towards the back of the room, on the sides. If you are in doubt, wait until family members have taken their seats and find yours accordingly. The only suggestion is never to sit all the way at the back, it can be difficult for the funeral speakers to make themselves heard and it could also be disrespectful to the family.
What Usually Happens After the Funeral?
After most funeral services, some families organize a funeral reception. On occasions, there are light refreshments at the funeral home, the family’s home or a private location. After the funeral is the best occasion to show support to the family and extend your condolences.
Read more: Should I plan a reception after the funeral?
Do I Need to Sign the Guest Book?
Ideally, you would want to sign the funeral guest book to let the family know you were there. Remember, a funeral service is a whirlwind of emotions, and the family may not remember everyone that showed up to support them. Clearly state your first and last name and your relationship with the deceased. Use this signature to extend short condolence and show your support to the grieving family. Sharing a lovely memory or phrase is a common signature.
